“As long as I look and don’t touch, I’m all yours.”
I overheard a husband telling his wife after she confronted him for staring at a beautiful woman all during their dinner. I remember the pain I felt in my abusive marriages hearing the same hurtful rationalization. My heart ached for her.
Why People Choose to Live in a Love Fantasy
A fantasy is defined as the activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable.
You’re probably wondering, if love fantasies are bad, then why do people choose to live in one? People create love fantasies to avoid seeing or dealing with the unhealthy issues in their marriage. When you realize your spouse is not the prince or sweet queen they were at the beginning of your relationship, subconsciously you may create a love fantasy to cope with your painful reality.
Instead of facing the truth and dealing with a personal or relationship issue, you choose to create a happily-ever-after fantasy. If you can’t live happily-ever-after, you may settle for a fantasy of rationalization and excuses.
Anytime you settle for excuses or rationalizations you open the door for domestic abuse. When your spouse’s words and actions devalue, disrespect, and blame you, you are being abused. Don’t fall into fantasy thinking. Use the wisdom and discernment of Jesus in you to see the health of your relationship.
Love Fantasies Happen Subtly
Your desire to have a great Christian marriage, combined with your unawareness of yourself, abuse and Christ’s love design make you vulnerable to create a love fantasy to cope with or avoid dealing with the challenges in your marriage.
Once you are married and have a few children, you do everything you can to make your happy marriage fantasy come true. As a Christian wife, you may believe or even be wrongly instructed to be more understanding or to forget how your husband hurt you, which comes from hearing Scripture out of context. These guidelines are true for challenges that don’t include verbal, mental, physical, sexual, digital, financial, or spiritual abuse.
Without personally knowing God’s truth, you can become more frustrated, confused, and discouraged. Especially, when Christians, who mean well but don’t know anything about abuse, tell you to have more faith, to try harder, and to keep forgiving him. This advice is not Biblical, toxic, and destructive in abusive marriages. Abuse is not the heart and character of Christ. Abuse is NEVER the will of God.
I know how confusing it is when you don’t know God’s truth for yourself. In my abusive marriage, I so desperately wanted and needed to feel loved that I created a love fantasy. My fantasy belief said, “if I had enough faith and I kept on forgiving and allowing my husband to hurt me, then someday God would change him, and we would be happy.” I held on to my fantasy, which was impossible because I didn’t know God’s truth and I had no control over my husband. When you choose to hold onto your fantasy over your life and the lives of your children, it’s time to WAKE UP! God always makes a way out to live safe, secure and loved.
Cost of Fantasy Can be Deadly
Fantasy mixed with misinterpreted scriptures and spiritual abuse kept me trapped in my first Christian abusive marriage for thirteen-years. It’s vital for you to study God’s word and to know Christ’s heart and love for yourself through your progressive relationship. He will keep you in reality. He will reveal anything that needs to be addressed and empower you to overcome your challenges in his exceptional love. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Luke 8:17 NIV
Choosing to stay in my first thirteen-year abusive marriage almost ended in my death and my ex-husband’s death. Love fantasies are destructive, unwise, and deadly.
Choose to Live Each Day in Christ Jesus
The truth is, you can’t live in a love fantasy very long because it’s not real. Living in a love fantasy steals the joy in your real life. Without being present and in reality, you will miss the beauty, signs, and blessings Jesus guides you with each day.
Don’t run or avoid feeling the pain in your relationships. Pain exists to make you aware that something is going on requiring your discernment and attention. Pain is your emotional emergency flashers. Let them guide you to seek the wisdom of Christ. Use the energy of pain to move you into the appropriate action or nonaction to keep safe in an abusive relationship or marriage.
We are instructed to keep a clear mind and to guard our hearts. If you don’t know the signs of domestic abuse, you can find out more through the information on my website from the Abuse Recourses pull-down menu. https://godstransforminggrace.com/ Stay in the reality of your life, and Jesus will lead you into his freedom from destructive love. His will is for you to live in his abundance as he flows through you with his exceptional love.